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by George Sedgwick of the Philly Gooners
Unfortunately, Arsenal’s off-season has been more disappointing than usual. Wenger hasn’t impressed, and the annoying transfer drama, primarily exit related, continues. A wise friend of mine recently claimed that “The most excitement fans have experienced this summer is when Arsenal Player™ finally started working for the Malaysian XI game. Twitter.Was.Blowing.Up.” Going for a Michael Bay effect, I added a few extra periods to that last part. Cool, right?
Anyhow, since the news hasn’t been uplifting, I’m sticking to less serious blogging. If you’re aching for a sincere discussion, feel free to email, post, or wait. In the meantime…
Haven’t you always wanted to be an Arsenal star? Don’t you begin sentences with “If I played for Arsenal…”? Don’t you want to hang out with Eboue?
If so, here’s a fun system you can use to make yourself into a real (fantasy) Gunner! Think back to the days of D &D, raid your Monopoly box for some six-sided dice, and get ready to Arsenalize!
Step one: When making yourself into a real (fantasy) Gunner, would you rather be a male or female player?
If you chose female, you’re an excellent athlete on a superb team and you win trophies all the time. However, you rarely get the attention or credit you deserve. If you happen to be the goaltender, I know a few dudes who want your number. Call me!
If you chose male, please continue.
Step two: Choose your place on the pitch and then roll a six-sided die.
If you’re a goalie, roll a die to determine your background.
A roll of 1 means you should have retired already, but you’re amusingly angry.
A roll of 2 means you have awkward hair and/or a terrifying mono-brow. You should probably move to another club.
A roll of 3-6 means that you’re Polish.
If you’re a defender, roll to determine your profile.x
A roll of 1 means that you’re a solid player with relatively cool braids.
A roll of 2 means that you’re like a new signing. Again.
A roll of 3, 4, or 5 means that set plays confuse you. Sometimes, they make you pee, just a little, during the game.
A roll of 6 means that you’re Squillaci. We’re mad at you because you make us miss Cygan. Put in a transfer request today!
In addition, any roll between 1 and 5 means that you bomb forward but you can’t cross. Please practice that, as most players ages 7 and up (the same ages fit to play Monopoly) understand the importance of crossing. (Note to history buffs: this would be a good place for a George Washington joke.)
If you decide to play anywhere in the midfield:
A roll of 1or 2 means that you pass well but only sideways or backwards. Contact your agent and hope to play for a second division Spanish team.
A roll of 3-5 means that you’re short but clever. Take the ring to Mount Doom.
A roll of 6 means that you get injured every time Saturday Night Live airs a new episode.
A roll of 7 means that you’re a defensive midfielder.
In addition, any even roll means that you are best friends with Craig Eastmond. Awesome!
If you’re a forward:
A roll of 1 means that you’re the best player in the world, either by your own admission or because you’re Robin van Persie.
2-4 means that you have funny hair.
5 means that you’re a good forward, generally, but you will end up on the wing, which is awkward for your size and skill. Good luck.
6 means that you chip better than Frito-Lay. (Zing!)
In addition, any odd numbered outcome means that you’ve been compared to Dennis Bergkamp, Kanu, or Thierry Henry. Plus, you don’t miss Adebayor at all.
Step three: No matter what position you selected, roll two dice to determine your temperament.
A roll of 2 means that an injury due to the poor play of an opponent has slowed your development and made you angry, apprehensive, or Diaby. You watch M. Night Shaymalan’s Unbreakable over and over again.
A roll of 3 means that you love Arsenal and you’re on twitter all the time. This may be because you’ve been with the club for several years but you’re still too young to see an R rated film on your own. However, you’re probably in line to be the next left back!
A roll of 4-6 means that you are French.
A roll of 7 means that you want to leave for Man City. You fail to realize that jumping ship for a team like that is the equivalent of leaving the bar at Cheers to hang out in an airport lobby, awkward bench seats and revolving door included.
A roll of 8 means that you want to leave for Man United, probably because of money, but maybe because they get a little extra time whenever they need a goal. Really, though, you must be ignoring how awful it will be to 1) see Nani on a daily basis, 2) spend private time with Anderson and Evra, 3) interact with typical Man U fans, 4) accidentally brush against Rooney’s’ head, thereby removing a few wisps of transplanted hair, and as a result, finding yourself on the wrong end of a deliberate crotch-stomp—oh, and he’ll curse at you on camera.
A roll of 9-11 means that you appreciate and play excellent football, but you’re a little wimpy when you should be focused and tough. You need to visit a shady bio-lab in a second world country where you will be injected with a Rocky Marciano/Gary Kasparov/Patrick Vieira DNA cocktail. Yeah, you’ll be the Serpantor of A.F.C.
A roll of 12 means that you’re hilarious and optimistic but likely to foul an opponent in the box during the final seconds of a match. On a much more positive note, you assume your squad role with honor, energy, and real team spirit. You even applaud the fans when you remain on the bench all game. In light of recent player attitudes, perhaps we need more of your mindset at The Emirates.
Also, any odd roll means that you really, really, really wish you were best friends with Craig Eastmond. Good luck!
Now you’re done. Hang out with Eboue. Then go out and win those exposition matches the way we should have won all our games at the end of last season.
George Sedgwick is the branch manager of the Philly Gooners and clearly played too much MASH on the bus as a child. Stay tuned for more of his Arsenal musings in preparation for the new Premier League season…
